This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
