My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
