Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize