Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
