you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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