Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
