i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
