my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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