I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
