My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
