rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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