Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
