Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
