I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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