just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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