Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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