Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
