apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize