when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
