Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
