worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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