I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
