Im at strip club and am horny
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
