just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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