do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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