Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
