i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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