I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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