There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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