I think I won the penis lottery.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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