Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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