Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
