My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
