Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
