He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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