Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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