On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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