I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
