so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
