we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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