you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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