My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
