One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
