I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
