i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
