i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
being pregnant is like rehab
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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