I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
