Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
