walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
