I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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