Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
