i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
