I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
