i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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