her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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