Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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