when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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