I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
