remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
