I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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